the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
