Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
