i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
