Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
