The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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