I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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