You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
