did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
