also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
