that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
