Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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