I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
