If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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