Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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