Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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