he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
They took my balls.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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