oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
