What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
