Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
