I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
