I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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