guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
