I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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