dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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