3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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