It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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