I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
