In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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