Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
