yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
