I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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