She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
