who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
