Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
