im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I touched a dick in church today
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
