She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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