Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
