The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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