please come you make the beer taste better
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
