nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
