Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
