why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
