idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Houston, we have a blender
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
