Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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