That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think I won the penis lottery.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
