Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
