I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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