sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
His nipple licking is glorious
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