I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
