Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
