I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just got carded by a ten year old.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
